Day 1

I think I have some sort of idea as to why I’m doing this.
I want to keep a diary/a log of my thoughts, feelings and words – things directed at you.

I don’t know if you will ever read this, maybe you’ll stumble across it some time in the future, maybe I’ll tell you about it… Maybe someone else will tell you about it. But for now in the only person who knows.

It has now been 2 days (maybe 3) since “the 2amazing weeks” have ended – something that’s painful. They were the most brilliant 2 weeks we’ve had, you smiled 90% of the time, despite you having the bladder infection. I felt as if we were so close, so in touch, so connected, so in tune…

And then in the kitchen I reacted harshly when I was pissed off… Your mood changed instantly and that was it… Two weeks over…

You went for a walk and came back to me saying that you felt we were getting too close… “Becoming one person” were your words. And that hurt…

To me it seemed that you didn’t want to get close, that the very thing that I enjoyed and loved you didn’t want (even though you said you enjoyed it).

2 days later and things were a bit better but not the same. I had a bad migraine in the evening, and although you stayed in the tent with me I felt as if you didn’t want to be there, your mind was somewhere else – physically with me, mentally a million miles away.

When the pain eased we ate wafers… Lots of wafers… Crunching away in our tent knowing that we were breaking the rules. Then we played 101… That game was fun… I claimed quickly to 91 with you on -70 or something… Then slowly slowly (about 30 minutes) I got back to 0. You wanted to pause for the night but I convinced you to play 3 more rounds…
In the first round I got 94 points…. Obviously in the 2nd round I was totally out. We had amazing sex… I came too quick but then you came… And it was good for you… That special orgasm that you really like.

Today however I’m lost.

We just sat and talked about our plans, again after you having doubts, and I realised a few things…
We don’t want the same thing anymore… Well I want it, I want what we both wanted before, but you want something else.

The problem is that you don’t know what you want, you may not see it but I do.

I want the two weeks again… It shouldn’t have ended…

I felt like we had resolved all your worries and concerns, gotten rid of all your stresses, reconnected with our ownselves and with each other… I felt that we had what others try their whole lives to achieve and never get close.

But you want your own space, your own time to do things, your own decisions to make.

You want your own – to be on your own. That what my subconscious understood from what you said.
That is painful, even writing it now.

When we spoke earlier you said “what would you do if you were alone?” I’m not alone, im with you…
Why would you think like that at all – unless the possibility of being alone entered your own head.
Maybe for you it is better to be alone, maybe you will have more clarity, more choice, more options, more energy…

But why can’t you have that energy with us? What is stopping you?

I’m giving you everything I have, really everything, and its frustrating… After 3 months I only get 2 weeks? I’m not complaining… Just that for 3 months I had to deal with a lot of stuff, provide you with a lot of support, help you deal with uncertainty and bad thoughts…. Then during the two weeks I felt like we solved it, we finally made it through, we came out of the dark tunnel, we were going to be happy…. I didn’t imagine it would only last 2 weeks…

Now I feel like we reset. Like we have the same problems as if we were in Germany, as if you have the exact same thoughts…
I haven’t had time to recover… I can’t fight thus battle again…

Please baby, please come back to me… I can’t do this again.

Thinking that we go our separate ways is a thought that has been increasing in frequency these last 2 days. I know that if we were not together that I would almost certainly go back to Germany… Back to Essentis..

But I would miss you, even though its tough I still love you.
I live being with you for all the good times, but its too painful during the bad times.

I’m going to do something bad, evil maybe, but its the only way to know  I should carry on. I will distance myself a bit, not going to ask for sex anymore (I don’t ask, but I usually initiate) I’m going to do more things on my own, maybe even disappear for a few hours. I’m gonna Cook food for myself… Just over all distance… Not too much, if you initiate anything I will gladly partake, but I won’t initiate anymore.

You may not have noticed, but anytime you came up with an idea of something to do (walk, beach, shopping, talk, play etc etc) I have always gone ahead with it (sometimes after initially refusing), but I would have done anything to make you happy and to see you smile. But now… I have to reduce that, maybe I was too soft… Maybe I gave you too much choice and freedom… But now I too will do things, and if you don’t want to join me then that’s up to you.

I want to see how you will react, if you don’t care and only get frustrated then I know I should not continue. If you keep getting closer and you end up wanting the 2 weeks again then I will do everything I can to make that happen.

I want the two weeks, and you don’t. Its time to see if you will also change your mind about this. Especially since you will know the price.

I have gone to the beach (the little one next to the camping hostel) to write this… About 40 minutes later you came… I told you about the coconut that tried to get into the ocean…

The 2nd half of this was written with you sitting beside me silently.

I’m so sorry cheeky, I really love you, but a painful love is not a good love.